About Being Bald and Why I Love Being One

I know I usually don’t make a post in full English, but lately, I found out that I had several friends (by friends I mean fans that madly in love with me) that does not speak nor read Indonesian but they are dying to read this blog. Personally, I don’t know if posting in full English is a good idea because 1) my level of English is so bad that my mom cries everytime she read my English, and 2) the content of my posting is not really that funny or educated nor true. But, since the pressure is so hard, I have no other choice but to try to make a full English post. So, here it is, my first full english post.

Note that this post is the english translated version of my newest post, Tentang Gaya Rambut, with several adaptation to suppress my narcissistic disorder behavior. Those who is not confident enough with their English or may prefer the more irritating Indonesian version, please, read the Indonesian version of Tentang Gaya Rambut.

Okay, here we go! (God, I am so nervous!)

Since like junior high or something like that, I only have two options of hair style, bald or messy. And by messy, I don’t mean cool messy like some Korean pop stars, just ‘messy’ messy after growing wildly from baldness. So, simply speaking, everytime I cut my hair, I always cut it bald. Why do I do this? The story is long, so get your popcorn, sit comfortably and perhaps play some soft music before you continue your further reading.

It was all started when I was in the elementary school. I was young, foolish, and my favorite food was still carrot at that time. Like all the teenager, all I care about at that time was my looks and my cool shoes that has LED that will lights up everytime you step on something, even your friend’s leg. At that time, the most popular hairstyle is what the Indonesian called ‘belah tengah’ or middle split f you translate it directly to English. Yeah, so ‘belah tengah’ is a hairstyle where you comb your left hair to left and your right hair to right, making a split way in the middle as if Moses was splitting the green or red sea or whatever. Everybody did ‘belah tengah’ at that time and somehow I got this image that I am gonna look a lot (and by a lot, I mean a lot a lot) better if I do ‘belah tengah’ too. I figured that this hairstyle can make me more popular with girls and get me laid (elementary school, and I was thinking of getting laid already). So, one day, I woke up in the middle of the night because I had to pee, took a look at myself in the mirror and told myself, I have to do ‘belah tengah’. So, there was I, deciding to get myself a ‘belah tengah’.

PS: For those of you who dont know what is ‘belah tengah’ or middle split, here is a picture of Nick Carter (whom I idolized at that time) with his ‘belah tengah’ hair.

nc_belahtengah

Unfortunately, the plan did not go well. It turned out that somehow my hair is not suitable to be ‘belah tengah’-ed. Why? Because everytime my hair grows a little but still short, it went automatically into spiked mode. It does not fall down and always spiking perpendicular to its tangential surface. And this happened naturally without me doing anything to my hair. It would only fall down when it is wet (at that time, I was so innocence that I did not know that hair gel existed). When it grows long enough that it stopped spiking out all by itself, all of my hair falls down evenly to my forehead, forming what I called ‘Upside-Down Bowl’ hairstyle. And this is how it looks like:

jc_mangkok

I don’t know why, but when I am in the middle of this ‘Upside Down Bowl’ hairstyle, no amount of hair combing can be done to split my hair in the middle and make it ‘belah tengah’ style. The hair is still too short that it’s Young modulus of elasticity is so high and you cannot bring it pass yield point into plastic region with just combing (Damn, I miss college). Again, at that time I did not know that there is an invention called hair gel. So, I decided to wait until my hair is long enough to be ‘belah-tengah’-ed. Unfortunately, when my hair grows into just the right length to be ‘belah-tengah’ed, my mom was quick to take me to the barber and cut it short right away. And I went back to spiked mode again. So, one time, I had a talk with my mom. I wanted her to let me grow my hair long so that I can ‘belah tengah’-ed it. The talk lasted for only 5 seconds cause she threatened to throw my teddy bear (and by teddy bear, I mean my playstation).

So, thanks to my mom, I had to give up my dream of becoming a cool guy and maybe an international porn actor and work as the lowly salaryman. And ever since then, I always cut my hair bald. But now that I think of it, being bald actually is not really bad. It have its own advantages and I kinda like it now. In fact, in my opinion, I think everyone should be bald, for the sake of world peace. So, in hopes of getting you guys to try going bald for a while, here I am going to describe several facts about the advantages of being bald:

  1. Being bald saves you a lot of money. Why? For starters, you will need less to none shampoo or any hair product at all to keep your hair clean/stylish. You will also have to go to the barber a lot less because it is gonna take longer to grow hair from baldness. For extreme (if you are a cheap guy like me), you can just buy a hair cutter or maybe a simple scissor and save yourself a barber expense for there rest of you life.
  2. Being bald hides the fact that you are unattractive (for those of you who are, like me, not so appealing in face department). Yeah, when you are unattractive and bald, most people will think that you are not attractive because you are bald not because of your face (in my case, add unsettling and disturbing to describe my face). They won’t even think that you are unattractive. Instead, they have this illusion where you look good if you are not bald but you choose to be bald. Yeah, and that’s why I am still dating my gf now and always refuse to grow some hair everytime she asked me.
  3. Being bald hides the fact that you haven’t took a morning shower or even a weeks of shower. Yup, and this point is my favorite. Why, because I love to stay awake until late night sleep in the morning. So, being late has been my everday life from college until now. While I don’t really know why people are obliged to take a bath before you go to college or work (I think that is a human rights violation. Everyone should be able to go to work or college without taking a bath first), it is always nice to hide that fact that you haven’t take a bath and being bald really hides it (although it wont hide your smell).
  4. Being bald removes the risk of having dandruff or flea on your head. Yeah, I know. Having hair is a pain in the ass. You wanna look cool with it, but you may become less cool because of dandruff or flea or both. Me, I prefer the easy way: I prefer to look more masculine by being bald.
  5. Last but not least, and this is my favourites, being bald makes your hair unpulled-able. Yeah, I remember when I was in Junior and High School, I used to tease a lot of girls to seek for attention and possible courting. Some reacted cutely while some reacted wildly and did the usual girl attack to me, which was pulling hair. By Being bald, you can still teases girl without having to worry of getting your hair pulled (cause it hurts like crazy, bitch!)

Fiuh… Well, that’s my story of why I am always bald and why I like it. With this, I finally have concluded my very first full-english post (Yay!). Now, if you excuse me, I have to go to the nearest high school and tease some girls.

Stepen – World’s Sexiest Bald Man Alive

Pos ini dipublikasikan di English Post, Wejangan. Tandai permalink.

4 Balasan ke About Being Bald and Why I Love Being One

  1. edreaMJ berkata:

    Can I be your grammar nazi officer? lol
    You did great with the post in English! Keep them coming!

  2. Ping balik: About All-Rounder Shoes and Why I Really Love Buying One | stepenautis

  3. Ping balik: About All-Rounder Shoes and Why I Really Love Buying One | stepenstependotcom

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